How many times do you look in the mirror and say, “Today I am going to eat right. Today  I am going to start working out again, because this body isn’t who I am?”

I can close my eyes and remember when there wasn’t so much of me to see.  I found a picture of myself at age 21 and that 135 pound young lady I do not want to be again. A size 12 I will Never aim to be. I looked at that person and I think she looked sick. I wasn’t, then I am a different person now, and I want to have a few extra pounds.

I am trying to recall when I started adding on a little extra weight? In my late twenties after I had my son and it was a  blessing in so many ways. I liked my size 14, but I should have kept up my workout routine. It wasn’t just baby fat that caused these extra pounds, but things that were going on in my life.

Depression is no joke and although I was taking care of my child, I stopped paying attention to myself, and I just couldn’t get totally out of it. I had to block out people and their sometimes rude remarks. It got to the point where I had to leave my job in order to stay out of jail. To this day they will never know how close I came to wanting to kill every last one of them.

It is easy to bake and enjoy a good soul food meal or two. When you are eating it seems to block out reality and all the pain you are going through. Every day you are smiling and laughing and no one cares enough to notice the lie? I somewhat turned my life around for my son, because I knew there will be one person who really cares?

And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world.
1 John 4:17 NLT
https://bible.com/bible/116/1jn.4.17.NLT

I realized that wasn’t enough. Someone asked if I would go to church with them, okay. I didn’t understand and couldn’t follow. I came back a few years later on and off before I got it. I didn’t realize holding onto past regrets, past hurtful words to and about you still hurts, and just being angry wasn’t helping.

The simple truth that helped me was “I had to Love myself and let go before I change could take place”. I will never be an angel, but the more I learn of Jesus. The more I learned of the person I can be.

 

I got up this morning knowing I don’t have to workout for hours and I enjoyed my first twenty minutes of scratching. I plan to walk for 30 minutes and slowly get back to the size I was meant to be. If you look at yourself and you don’t like what you see or what you are feeling. Talk it out with someone and if you don’t believe family or friends would understand. If you don’t have a pastor, you can always talk to a doctor. 

 

I know people think talking to a psychologist says they don’t need to, because they aren’t crazy.  It is sometimes easy to talk to someone outside of your circle and look at every angle. It’s still your choice who you choose to listen too. One has to listen to their own heart to truly be free.

 

I couldn’t believe I had to push myself through the last five minutes of dancing, well I turned it into a walk, but I was still moving. I found what helped me out of my depression and if anyone else is going through it or not knowing they are in it. This new age thang called, “Google search” may help give you an idea, but still find a live person to talk too.

 

I was enjoying my time on my patio until my neighbor came out with her cancer stick (even though this is supposed to be a smoke free apartment building) and loud TV. Yes, I may have my music on, but it’s not loud enough for anyone to hear unless you are walking past me. People are just people and they will act as if they own the world. I am not going to leave as I normally do. I will keep praying: No sickness or diseases will enter my body, because I am healed by Jesus blood.” if I was out and about and someone started coughing without covering their mouth I would say that aloud and “may people cover their mouth, because it’s rude and no one wants their germs. In Jesus name I pray.”  Sure they may have rolled their eyes at me, but if they couldn’t walk away { if on a bus or train} they would cover their mouth, and go about my business, and going about my business.

satan I will NEVER run from you or anyone that may be working through you. I will show respect and sooner or later. They will leave as they have done before. I had some extra yarn and I just started a new project and was going to sell it, but I just found out a friend of mine is having a baby girl. My blanket may not be a regular baby blanket, but it is made from loving hands. I think she will like it even more?

Bye IV Now, OLD*