How many times do you look in the mirror and say, “Today I am going to eat right. Today  I am going to start working out again, because this body isn’t who I am?”

I can close my eyes and remember when there wasn’t so much of me to see.  I found a picture of myself at age 21 and that 135 pound young lady I do not want to be again. A size 12 I will Never aim to be. I looked at that person and I think she looked sick. I wasn’t, then I am a different person now, and I want to have a few extra pounds.

I am trying to recall when I started adding on a little extra weight? In my late twenties after I had my son and it was a  blessing in so many ways. I liked my size 14, but I should have kept up my workout routine. It wasn’t just baby fat that caused these extra pounds, but things that were going on in my life.

Depression is no joke and although I was taking care of my child, I stopped paying attention to myself, and I just couldn’t get totally out of it. I had to block out people and their sometimes rude remarks. It got to the point where I had to leave my job in order to stay out of jail. To this day they will never know how close I came to wanting to kill every last one of them.

It is easy to bake and enjoy a good soul food meal or two. When you are eating it seems to block out reality and all the pain you are going through. Every day you are smiling and laughing and no one cares enough to notice the lie? I somewhat turned my life around for my son, because I knew there will be one person who really cares?

And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world.
1 John 4:17 NLT
https://bible.com/bible/116/1jn.4.17.NLT

I realized that wasn’t enough. Someone asked if I would go to church with them, okay. I didn’t understand and couldn’t follow. I came back a few years later on and off before I got it. I didn’t realize holding onto past regrets, past hurtful words to and about you still hurts, and just being angry wasn’t helping.

The simple truth that helped me was “I had to Love myself and let go before I change could take place”. I will never be an angel, but the more I learn of Jesus. The more I learned of the person I can be.

 

I got up this morning knowing I don’t have to workout for hours and I enjoyed my first twenty minutes of scratching. I plan to walk for 30 minutes and slowly get back to the size I was meant to be. If you look at yourself and you don’t like what you see or what you are feeling. Talk it out with someone and if you don’t believe family or friends would understand. If you don’t have a pastor, you can always talk to a doctor. 

 

I know people think talking to a psychologist says they don’t need to, because they aren’t crazy.  It is sometimes easy to talk to someone outside of your circle and look at every angle. It’s still your choice who you choose to listen too. One has to listen to their own heart to truly be free.

 

I couldn’t believe I had to push myself through the last five minutes of dancing, well I turned it into a walk, but I was still moving. I found what helped me out of my depression and if anyone else is going through it or not knowing they are in it. This new age thang called, “Google search” may help give you an idea, but still find a live person to talk too.

 

I was enjoying my time on my patio until my neighbor came out with her cancer stick (even though this is supposed to be a smoke free apartment building) and loud TV. Yes, I may have my music on, but it’s not loud enough for anyone to hear unless you are walking past me. People are just people and they will act as if they own the world. I am not going to leave as I normally do. I will keep praying: No sickness or diseases will enter my body, because I am healed by Jesus blood.” if I was out and about and someone started coughing without covering their mouth I would say that aloud and “may people cover their mouth, because it’s rude and no one wants their germs. In Jesus name I pray.”  Sure they may have rolled their eyes at me, but if they couldn’t walk away { if on a bus or train} they would cover their mouth, and go about my business, and going about my business.

satan I will NEVER run from you or anyone that may be working through you. I will show respect and sooner or later. They will leave as they have done before. I had some extra yarn and I just started a new project and was going to sell it, but I just found out a friend of mine is having a baby girl. My blanket may not be a regular baby blanket, but it is made from loving hands. I think she will like it even more?

Bye IV Now, OLD*

 

 

I can’t believe I got sidetracked again, but at least it wasn’t for long. Then again I only half stepped to the side, because I have always liked designing.   I went to school to get information about becoming a visual merchandiser.

Today I am claiming I walked into my last interview. I have that job and I feel so good about it and I can’t wait to be organizing a store again.

 I came home with that in mind and had planned on enjoying my coffee on the patio, but I got caught up in watching an anime.

I wasn’t going to mess with my  “My Time,” and gather my latest crochet project along with my phone, because one needs to listen to some good gospel sounds as they enjoy their time.

I finally was able to see the birds in one of the trees closest to me, too bad they were too small that my camera could get them. I was able to get a picture of a robin gathering trig for her nest.

The rain had stopped, but the clouds are still hanging around. Although I was looking at the somewhat dark clouds the sun was still too bright for me to look at for more than a few seconds. A little towards my right the sky was a pretty blue with white clouds. How amazing is that? 

One can always see light through the darkness if one looks hard enough. I guess it all depends on what you are looking at. I have been out of work so long and I just shake my head at what people have been telling me and they are amazed that I wasn’t worried.

I asked them why would you focus on the darkness and not who you are? Do you not know who you are or what you are meant to do? I may not be where I want to be, but I am walking into the person I am going to one day be? I cannot be that person if I am  in the darkness, so I choose the light. 

I know how to get there and I am walking, no I am running towards that light. When I get there, I will reach back, and you had better be ready to step into your own light, and turn back to do the same.

Two hours later I am inside, still enjoying my sweet sounds of the gospel, as I write out my thoughts. Which is another enjoyment. I may not be the best at writing, crocheting, cross stitch or anything other then loving Jesus, my child, and a handful of others. Who says you have to be the best in order to do what you like?

If you are enjoying yourself and you are not hurting anyone, why not do it? Yet another question? A question only you can answer, because  you are the only one who can answer for you?

It may be 5 o’clock the sun is still out, I am going to work on my cross stitch for now.

 

Bye IV Now, LD*

 

I’ve heard, “Forgive and Forget” so many times and I’ve always thought it was easy to do.  I have done this or so I thought.                               

 I have forgive people and just wrote it  off as everyone isn’t a person with a caring heart and you just have to move past their personality.                         

Then there are others who you have known for years and they know you. You have had disagreements before and have forgiven or just let it pass.  They know how far to go and know or believe you will always forgive

I just realized writing a letter to a friend who isn’t really there? I haven’t forgiven at all.

And they will not need to teach their neighbors, nor will they need to teach their relatives, saying, ‘You should know the Lord .’ For everyone, from the least to the greatest, will know me already,” says the Lord . “And I will forgive their wickedness, and I will never again remember their sins.”
Jeremiah 31:34 NLT
https://bible.com/bible/116/jer.31.34.NLT

  Its FUNNY, because I was talking about the older gentlemen at my church and realized “James” also need to be forgiven as well as to be forgotten

I cannot move forward until I past these two so-called black men?  I am laughing, because I do believe My words are true now.

I am still going to follow through with my report, because I need help this from happening to someone else.

No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead,
Philippians 3:13 NLT
https://bible.com/bible/116/php.3.13.NLT

Time for a cup of tea..

Bye IV Now, LD*

 

 

 

 

  

  

 

 

  

  

                                    03/03/2020

 

 

Hey James,

    I now realized why I hadn’t blocked your number and was still reading your text. I was hoping that you just apologized, but I now accept that will never happen. I am a little sad for we have been friends for over thirty years and true I have only been saved for about twenty years. 

        In time I have noticed the change in you and we have always talked out one problem after another and I know you are mostly a one sided person and that is okay.

     Yet, we were able to keep finding things to talk about and offer helpful suggestions or just an ear to listen. I have never asked for anything other than that and that was cool.

      Times have changed and either you grow or you get left behind and I am moving forward. I guess it’s true what they say, “We all grow older, but some never learn as they grow.” I wonder why it took me so long to get that?

     This past Sunday before I could get into my church an older church member made me feel so low and out of place, I had to take a deep breath, and realized I am NOT the person I was years ago. His words, “So, when are we going to get together?” as he put his hand on my waste and “No, I have encouraged such action and didn’t appreciate it.” 

     I was going to let it go, but for some reason I cannot do it. I kept  thinking if he did this to me, he may have or will do it to someone else? It isn’t just his age (for his youngest child is in his forties and has great grand kids) for he is old enough to be my father. One would think he should know when and whom he can do that too and it wasn’t me.

     I was even considering letting go of the person I am today and bringing the New Yorker out, a person I never wanted to see again, and once again I realized  I am not going to let anyone change who I am today. One cannot move forward if they have to keep opening that closed door.

     I am strong and oh so much better then these fools. A person who I thought knew me, but I was wrong. Then again I changed into a better person and he is still that 18 year old and the older gentlemen who should know better.

      I am now laughing, because I am done letting people take my kindness as weakness. It’s 6:42am now I was going to end this here, but I told of two events in my life and I was only able to write out the outcome of one of those events. So, I guess I cannot end this until I speak to someone in the church office.

 

Until later, LD*

 

                        03/04/2020

 

 

I let the driver know and he said he would call me back and we could talk more about what happened. I knew it was early and people do have work, but that was yesterday and no response. I am going to be nice and give him to the end of the week. I will contact someone else in the church. I am not going to press charges, but I will not let anyone think they can treat me as if I am a female dog.

Well, I am going to redo my book to my liking. I know everyone wants details, but sometimes less is better. I am going to do it my way, because it’s who I am. I WILL do what I believe is the best thing for me.

I am now thinking why it is taking you so long in getting back with me. I told a few others and they said it’s more likely another male will take their side and brush this aside and now I am trying not to be on that page.

I am going to get into my own world and leave reality for an hour before I have to get ready to go to service. I pray he will not say anything to me, because I may not be as nice.

Bye IV now, LD*

 

                     3/7/2020

 

Dear James,

Oh how I actually miss talking to you and I am praying you are safe. When I heard Tennessee had a tornado touch ground I  REALLY wanted to call you and see if you and your family was okay, but I couldn’t figure out how to unblock your number. 

I can only pray you are safe. I wished you had just apologized, because after a church member overstepped the line and made me feel low. I really needed a friend, even if I know that friend isn’t as strong minded as I am.

I kept my word and moved to the back of the bus, and happily worked on my crochet. I am always relaxed when I see a project look like what I imagine how it would look like and it’s becoming  reality. It made my ride to service that much enjoyable. It all changed when I got off of the church bus an;

Older Gentleman    : “You are awfully quiet today?” 

(Me) Lisa                   :   “I didn’t want to be around hurtful words, so I moved away from those who felt they had to put someone down for whatever reason.”

Older Gentleman    : “Don’t let them get to you.”

(Me) Lisa                   : That’s why I moved to –

He cut me off by leaning into me and saying, “So when are we going to get together?” and placing his hand on my waist. I was so put off, but I looked out of the church window and saw my church, mumbled something and got off of the bus as fast as I could. 

I hate that one touch made me feel lower then dirt for a second. Why do men look at a female and see a dog and not a woman? I am so glad I know who I am and what I’m not.

The driver stopped me, by asking me about my job, I answered him and quickly ran inside of my church building. I closed my eyes to what had happened as a few smiling faces and welcome greetings was able to calm me down.

I told a friend, who gave me a ride home, and a few others. I agreed I should tell someone who works for the church. I let the driver know, and more than 48 hours have passed without a reply.

A Friend     : You know they aren’t going to do anything.

I didn’t want to believe those words, but they are starting to sound true. I am   sounding like a broken record, because I just about already wrote this…..

I didn’t post the first one, because I was waiting for an answer…. An Answer I Never got…. I am going to make a call to the church office on Monday morning and see what they say…..

I wonder what James would say about this?

 

Bye IV Now, LD*

 

  I kept on searching for the birds I was listening to too, looking out my bedroom window, and realized it’s such a nice day why am I inside. It didn’t take me long in gathering a few items to go out and enjoy the sun.

 

The sun may have been out, too bad it didn’t bring its heat, but it was still a good day to work outside. Had my gospel playing (others could hear it as well, but it wasn’t blasting) my crochet in hand, and a hood over my head.

I couldn’t find those birds from earlier, then again I didn’t realize kids were playing in the playground  across the street a block away until I was out on the patio. That didn’t faze me and every now and then I played the old lady and watched.

 

One day I am going to understand why the young don’t realize they can break a bone or two and it hurts. I prayed that they enjoyed their fun and returned home unharmed. I never paid attention to that until I had a child of my own and just wanted to tell everyone else to be careful I wonder if I am alone in thinking like that? My son tells me to stop worrying  about it, because I can’t do anything about it. True, but I will never stop praying for others even if they don’t know it.

 

I was truly enjoying my quiet time and sure enough here comes my noisy neighbor and I was ready to go back inside not because of the loud voice, but because of that cancer stick she was smoking. I do live in a smoke-free building, but people do what they want.

 

I was so happy when she went back into her apartment and I once enjoyed nature’s song along with my music. That was short lived, because my young neighbor on my right side decided she wanted to have a loud agreement with her friend and now and days one don’t stop and look – one move away and don’t look back. (Unless it was my child – then they may run, because  no one wants to see this lioness get loud)

 

Although my time was cut short. I still  say I enjoyed my time I was out on my patio. I’m going to have to get me an outdoor table one day, because that blue plastic tub isn’t really working. 

 

I didn’t have a clear picture of what I wanted my patio to look like, but I am getting close. I don’t want a lot of stuff, because it will look junky and who wants that look? I really should hurry up, because the prices will be going up. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this at the end of last summer, when everything went on sale, but it’s way too late for the how comes?

 

The sun is getting lighter and I haven’t yet gotten anything to eat and I know I cannot have a cup of coffee without eating first, so I am going to end this here, and can’t wait to see what I will think to write or type tomorrow.

 

Bye IV Now, LD*